Saturday, March 2, 2013

Happy to Love...

Hangin' out at Cabella's

Recently, my sister in law posted this beautiful statement on Facebook:
 

"When I was first married, I had a job that paid very well. I worked 4.5 days a week, and was also given free housing in a beautiful large home with free heat, electricity, water, phone, and internet. But I hated my job, and was totally miserable. Even on the 2.5 day weekends.
Now, almost ten years later, we have to pay for all our own housing and expenses. I have a much more difficult job that demands way, way more than forty hours a week-- and I don't get any money for it. Often I wake up totally exhausted, wondering how I'm going to get through another day. And I'm so, so happy! Thanks, God!!!"
      Julia was talking about her life as a mommy to Anna and a wife to my brother, David.  Beautiful.  That statement made me bubble up inside with happiness for their sweet little family - soon to be one member bigger.  Julia is living the dream that I thought I always wanted.
 
I've always wanted to be a mommy.  I've always been drawn to kids.  I've always had so much love to give.  As I grew older, I'd think, "Okay, God, where's my man?  The clock is ticking!"  And, eventually (when I was 31) God did bring along a man: Todd.  Todd is everything I'd ever dreamed of in a husband.  He was and IS my "Mr. Wonderful."  But, we would never have children together.  This blog is not about bemoaning that fact, but rather about the ways I've been overwhelmed by happiness in spite of the fact that God's plans were different from my own.

God is good.  My former student, Nikki (who is now married!) made me a colorful poster when she was a second grader that said, "Jesus, friend of love."  How true.  God never planned to "waste" my abundance of love for children that he'd poured into me.  He simply planned to funnel that love into other people's children.  He gave me three precious nephews and one incredible niece to love on.  He gave me special families to babysit for.  He gave me classroom after classroom of eight-year-olds to love.  He  gave me lifelong friendships with girlfriends who are now mommys who want their kids to get to know "Miss Jennifer."  I am loved.

A Junior at Becker High School recently committed suicide.  I didn't have him as a second grader.  But, I could have.  I could have poured a year of love into that boy's life.  His family loved him.  His friends loved him.  But, he didn't ask for help.  We don't know why he took his life.  We just feel extreme sorrow.  Sometimes I think about the students I currently have and what they have in store for their futures.  I want to wrap my arms around them and convince them of their worth...convince them of the power of one life...convince them to do their best...convince them to show kindness to everyone they meet...convince them to live their lives to the fullest - full of love!  I wish I could be there for these kids forever.  But, I can't.  I can only love the kids that God puts in front of me for a season.

Loving can be hard.  My heart breaks for those kids who don't go home to love.  I have some stories that bring tears to my eyes years later.  My blood boils over some situations that "my kids" are put into by their parents.  I want to protect them.  But, all I can do is love them while I have them.  God puts these kids in front of me for a season.  There are years my heart gets quite the workout!

How do I show love to my students?  By being kind and gentle.  By smiling.  By liking them.  By saying encouraging words.  By being as fair as possible.  By valuing their concerns.  By giving hugs.  By talking to them in nice, respectful ways.  By helping them.  By being patient.  By showing interest in what interests them.  By listening to their stories.  By being their cheerleader.  By starting fresh each day.  By telling them how happy I am to get to spend my day with them!  Love.  

I will never forget my first year of teaching when Allison came in from freeplay with tears in her eyes and told me about something that someone had done on the playground that hurt her feelings.  My eyes filled with tears as she told me her sad story.  Of course, we worked through the problem, but what I remember most is the realization that I loved that little girl.  My heart hurt for her.

I remember a different year when a sad little Allie in my class was going through a tough time at home and I heard her laughter one day in my classroom.  I remember that her laughter made me feel so happy inside.  The happiness in my heart melted into a big smile across my face as I realized that the environment I had created in my classroom was a safe, happy place for this sweet girl that I loved.  I was her stability.

The year I had Maggie I realized that God had made me be a teacher partly so I could help shy little girls who were just like me when I was a second grader.  I helped build Maggie's confidence that year.  I went out of my way to find ways to help her feel special.  She told her mom one day, "Mrs. Sapp truly loves us, Mom.  I can tell."  I will never forget that feeling of hope that maybe my kids really could feel that they are loved.

Olivia struggled with two digit subtraction.  When I explained it and practiced it with my kids, we had a little story we would act out (of the ones place borrowing from the tens place).  Every time Olivia practiced her subtraction, she would review the story.  Her mom told me that I had truly helped Olivia in math.  I was building up her confidence in an area where she often struggled.  What an amazing feeling for me, who had struggled in math as a girl.  When a child feels loved and safe, they are more likely to be open to learning.

All these thoughts are sincere.  I love to love my students.  That is why I continue to teach.  There are things I don't do well as a teacher.  Inwardly I have this fear that someday "THEY" will find out that I don't really know what I am doing!  The longer I teach, the more I realize there are LOTS of things I am not an expert at in the world of teaching.  Somehow the kids learn.  A colleague of mine likes to say, "They learn....in spite of us!"

Despite how much I love to love my students, I love my husband more.  At the end of the day, I feel good about my ministry of teaching.  But, I feel overwhelmed with gratitude that God also gave me a husband to share my life with so that my whole life isn't teaching.  My husband fills me up.  He is the perfect companion.  He is MY cheerleader, encourager, confidante, and friend.  He helps keep me balanced.  He points me to God.  He is my stability.  I couldn't be happier.  Just as my sweet sister-in-law has found happiness in the life God has blessed her with, so I have found happiness in mine.  It looks different, but both are from God.  Both are good.  Because God is good.